Must Stop Reading the Metro

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…it’s not good for me.

On the Sherlock Holmes principle (every new piece of knowledge displaces a piece that is already held) I must stop reading it.

For example – this morning I have learnt about Drag Kings.

Specifically how to practice walking like a man:

Practice walking with two ripe plums in a polythene bag between your legs. Don’t break them.

…and how to ‘pack’ yourself (should the need arise):

For
your manhood: fill a condom with hair gel, tie tightly and then put it
inside another condom and put that inside a sock or a stocking. This is
called ‘packing’.

If you ever see me on the bus
reaching for a copy of the Metro then slap me sharply on the wrist and
frogmarch me back to my seat.

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